A new government study in the UK has suggested that marriage
counselling can do more harm than good, as it makes couples feel like
they have failed and that their relationship is already over.
Most people would rather have a happy relationship and, if they do
experience problems, try to resolve the issues privately between
themselves or with the help of close friends or family. But the new
report,
conducted by the Department for Education, suggests that if
couples do resort to professional help then this is ‘intrinsically
linked with feelings of failure and defeat.’ The study also found that
seeking professional help made individuals feel weak and that by the
time a couple decided to attend relationship counselling both
parties often thought it was too late to repair their relationship.
The report said that:
‘Many of the participants felt that a couple should be able to deal with their relationship problems privately – without having to rely on external relationship support. Support from friends and family was considered more acceptable. A few of the participants suggested that if a couple required formal or professional relationship support to solve a relationship difficult, then the relationship was not worth saving and unlikely to be successful. Most [of the participants] reported that they would not use a relationship counselling service.’
The report, titles ‘Relationship …
… Difficulties and Help Seeking Behaviour,’ derived its results from
interviews and focus groups conducted with people in long-term
relationships over three years. As well as the views on relationship
counselling, the study also found that most relationship difficulties
were centred around parenting, family, friends and in-laws and
infidelity.
A strong relationship was defined as one based on closeness, allowing
independence, having children and providing support. Talking to each
other and even arguments – if carefully controlled – were thought to be
constructive in preventing problems from arising.
The most welcomed source of relationship support, the study found,
was through informal and ‘unbiased’ routes such as close social
contacts. Being a strong and resilient person was viewed as incompatible
with the use of counselling services.
The way I see it, relationship counselling, just like any other form
of counselling, can be invaluable for couples or individuals who find
themselves in need of some assistance from a neutral and professional
source. Professional relationship support and relationship counselling
should be made as informal and possible and should be viewed as a
healthy way to discuss issues within a relationship, not as a way of
trying to rescue an already-failed relationship.
The report seems to echo my views on this to some degree, suggesting
that using technology and the internet to offer relationship support
should be explored, and that health professionals and teachers should be
trained in helping couples and individuals with their relationships,
saying that:
‘Evidence from this research suggests that issues over availability, accessibility and acceptability prevent the uptake of more formal types of support. Innovative solutions such as internet technology may be a means of overcoming such barriers. Recent research into the preferences of an innovative relationships support website suggests that the main attractions are that it is immediate, confidential, not face-to-face, and informative.’
What do you guys think – can the internet stand in for relationship
counselling, or is this too remote and too far away from human contact
and opinion to make any difference? What can be done to remove the
stigma surrounding professional relationship support?
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