The 11 Commandments of Exercise

Over the last 6 years or so I have been submersed in the exercise/fitness realm.  I was a collegiate athlete, worked as a personal trainer, health educator, recreational center building supervisor, and even dabbled in the fine arts of group fitness.  Trust me, i’ve seen some strange, bewildering, and to be honest unbelievable things in the gym (see: man eating sandwich while walking on a treadmill).   

Over numerous altercations, instances, and

astonishments, I have narrowed down what I feel are the 11 Commandments of Exercise/Fitness.  I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.  Feel free to comment below if you agree, disagree, or have more to add!  Remember, be kind though because somewhere, at some point, you probably did one of these

1. )  Thou shalt not offer unsolicited advice, nor shall you tell unwarranted and outlandish glory stories of your bench pressing and squatting days.

2.)  Thou shalt not text, BBM, e-mail, call, tweet, poke, Press This, StumbleUpon, Google+, update your status, unlock badges on foursquare, or Google while working out.

3.)  Thou shalt not wear shorts of the booty variety, especially if you can not decipher whether they are actual shorts or something Victoria’s Secret models wear on the catwalk.  We’re looking at you “Sassy” and “Juicy.”

4.)  Thou shalt not lift heavy weights just for the sake of lifting heavy weights.  Perfect your form and you will perfect your strength.

5.)  Thou shalt not be afraid to ask a fitness professional how to properly do an exercise.  Everyone will laugh at you if you throw-out your lower back doing a bicep curl.  

6.)  Thou shall wear clothes that properly fit your physique.  We know you’re working hard to improve your health and your body, but there is nothing more unattractive than a person wearing a shirt so tight that their pizza crust is being squeezed out of their waistline.  Flowing but fitting is the new sexy.  

7.)  Thou shalt not try to hold lengthy conversations in the locker room while parading around butt-naked.  You may think you’re hot stuff, but there’s nothing more awkward than having to hold a conversation with someone, butt-naked.  Eye contact becomes a game of pin ball and it immediately causes people to make uncomfortable, awkward hand gestures.       

8.)  Thou shalt not fart in yoga/Pilates class.  We know, your body is being twisted, tortured, bent, and compressed all at the same time.  However, there is still no excuse for firing intestinal ammunition at will.  Simply excuse yourself politely, go to the bathroom or a dormant hall/room, let it rip, excuse yourself again, and go back to class.  See, even you can be both classy and productive.  

9.)  Thou shall wipe down machines/equipment after use.  Whether you think you sweated or not, wipe down your equipment.  There is nothing more disgusting than slipping on or literally “off” a machine due to someone’s bodily fluids.  Slip N’ Slides are meant for BBQs, college apartment complexes, and collegiate Olympics… not the gym!

10.)  Thou shalt not be a creepy hover-rat while waiting for a piece of equipment.  I will gladly respect the time limit; however, if I can feel you breathing or circling me like a piece of road kill on a Route 66, I will purposely workout longer than the limit permits. Go away and come back later!

11.)  Thou shalt not imbibe in sugar-laden sports drinks whilst working out. If you’re at the gym to burn calories and lose weight, that 24 oz. tankard of Lemon-Lime Gatorade isn’t doing you any favors. Drink water. Plain old water.